


How I Met Your Citrus

by Missy



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Backstory, Gen, Humor, Origin Story, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-20 02:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7386295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The true origin story of the pineapple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How I Met Your Citrus

**Author's Note:**

> Written for xfirefly9x for fandom stocking '15!

Kids, did I ever explain the pineapple incident?

I’m pretty sure I did. I explained the goat, after all? I think I told you it was the Captain, but the story’s a lot deeper than that.

Really? Well, all right. It all started when your Uncle Barney told me to take those shots. It was a hot night, ridiculously hot. Scary stupid hot. That’s probably why the Red Dragon affected me so much. You know something? I think your Uncle Barney was a little drunk, too, though I don’t think he’d ever admit it because you Aunt Robin would make fun of him for it for the rest of his life. The longer we danced, the more clothing we took off, and the more clothing we shed the dumber the stuff we did got. Your Uncle Barney may or may not have licked whipped cream off of the nose of a very tall Hell’s Angel while dancing to The Sign and I may or may not have gotten into a vogue off with some very tall and extra-fashionable drag queens. Anyway, that was before I fell off the bar, before I went to the zoo to see some penguins, and before I played bagpipes with Trudy.

To be honest, I was wasted. Stinkered, blotto, toasted, lightheaded – all those fun ways that means exactly one thing – I was too out of it to be responsible for what I was going to do, which is probably why I still can’t remember which song your Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall and I all sang together. Also why I kept drunk dialing you aunt Robin. That’s the thing about life kids – you’ll do a lot of things when you’re drunk. Sometimes they’re the right things and sometimes they’re the wrong things, the trick is to memorable to other people if you’re not going to be able to remember them yourself.

What? Well, you don’t need to shout… All right, so it turns out that I ended up I was surrounded by this group of women. No, not just women- a basket ball team. I think they might have been part of the New York Liberty. Anyway, I was bragging like a fool about how I could sink a four point shot with a ball of paper from behind the bar without looking at it. They said ‘do it’, I said ‘eh, why not’ and somehow I ended up only sort of screwing up the throws. Best two out of three was invented for a reason. In the end they dared me to go to their practice arena to try and hit a real basket. Turned out I was even worse on a twisted ankle and a hardwood floor. They told me they’d get me a cab home but I told it to take me to the zoo.

But the driver misheard me, took me to the Zoob, which is a club that shut down before either of you were born and for good reason -it was a black box with eighty million fire code violations. There was a lady with a huge black fan yelling about the government onstage, and she was the one who invited me up to perform with her right there in the middle of the act. Apparently I recited the presidents in order while standing on my hands, and was so good at it she gave me the pineapple. 

Anyway, you know the rest of the story: Trudy, penguins, bagpipes. And that, kids, is why I have a fondness for pineapple. 

Now, how would you feel about some nice upside down cake?


End file.
